My Boyfriend Violated My Consent In Bed. I Don’t Think He’s Sorry.
Dear Saynt,
I feel sick even writing this, but I need help understanding what just happened.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. Our sex life has always been adventurous, and we’ve both been open about our likes, dislikes, and hard limits.
One of my limits — my one big boundary — has always been clear: absolutely no anal. Not even “just the tip,” not even “accidentally.” It’s something I’ve explained multiple times, seriously and calmly.
But a few nights ago, during sex, he tried it. No warning, no conversation — just did it. I immediately pulled away and froze. He said, “Sorry, I slipped.” and tried to brush it off like it was nothing. I was too shocked to say much in the moment. I just went to the bathroom and cried quietly so he wouldn’t hear. It wasn’t the first time something like this happened, as he once put his finger inside my backdoor early in our relationship without asking, causing a major fight.
Since then, I’ve felt distant, disgusted, and weirdly ashamed. Part of me wonders if I’m overreacting. He’s not a monster — I love him. But I can’t shake the feeling that he didn’t just cross a line… he erased it.
Was this just a miscommunication? Or something more serious?
— Betrayed in Bed
Dear Betrayed in Bed,
Let me say this loud enough for the people in the back — a “sorry” after violating consent is not an apology. It’s a confession.
He knew your boundary. You made it clear. Repeatedly. And he still did the one thing you said not to do. That’s not confusion. That’s not a heat-of-the-moment mistake. That’s a man that could be testing how much of your “no” he can ignore before you stop loving him.
And the fact that he thought he could get away with it? That’s the biggest red flag of all.
Let’s strip away the excuses:
“He got carried away” — Nope. This isn’t a dance floor.
“It was a moment of passion” — Then why do you feel violated instead of turned on?
“He’s not a monster” — Cool. But apparently he’s not a listener either.
You don’t need to wait for a bigger betrayal to validate this one. It already happened. Your body was used in a way you explicitly said was off-limits. That’s the definition of disrespect, and frankly, if he can't respect your asshole, he sure as hell can't respect your heart.
You are allowed to leave. You are allowed to rage. You are allowed to burn the whole relationship down and not feel bad about it. Because you set a boundary, and he trampled over it with a smirk and a limp apology.
Love doesn’t look like this. Intimacy doesn’t feel like fear. And consent doesn’t come with loopholes.
Walk away. Then close the door, lock it, and light a candle for the person you’re choosing to protect — you.
— Saynt
Serving Closure Hot and Boundaries Bulletproof
