How to Ask for Sex
Why is it so difficult to ask for sex?
YOU'RE WATCHING TOO MUCH PORN
Pornography consumption is on the rise with over $96 billion spent globally, $12 billion in the US alone. Porn sites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon, & Twitter combined each month. In 2016 alone, more than 4,599,000,000 hours of porn were watched on the world’s largest porn site. And in all those billions of hours streamed consent is rarely mentioned.
NO ONE TAUGHT YOU
While health education did include some middle school SexEd on why boys get boners and girls get periods, discussions on consent and knowing what you want out of sex were normally left out of discussions. Instead, abstinence remains the number value taught to you when hormones are out of control.
FEAR OF REJECTION
No one likes rejection. Thinking that someone we're interested in or are partnered with might say "no" to a sexual advance or requests just kind of sucks. Because of this many people practice implied consent, which is the use of body language or nonverbal signals to know if someone is down to clown.
Implied Consent isn't the right way to ask for sex.
In our community, enthusiastic or affirmative consent is the preferred way of getting some.
Why Should You Practice Enthusiastic Consent?
You'll discover what you like.
When you party, things can get confusing.
This PUSSY GRABBING idiot.
Also, you'll get laid a lot more.
So What is Enthusiastic Consent?
It’s getting a clear, verbal “yes” for each new “level” of sexual activity.
So if you’re moving it from kissing to boob action or upstairs to down, you ask first.
With your words.
CAN ASKING BE SEXY?
We know that no one likes the idea of having to stop making out to say, “Can I kiss? Are you OK with my hand on your leg? Do you like when I touch your hair?” That feels forced and every time you introduce something new, it feels like robotic responses rather than romantic suggestions.
Nothing about that is sexy.
So how do we make enthusiastic consent sexy?
It doesn't have to be a clinical sit-down where you’re like, “I enjoy this, and this, and this, but not that, and maybe these but probably not those.” It can be done in a flirty way, brought up while you’re getting to know each other, say over drinks.
This is a very, very initial first step, though, and shouldn’t be considered all you need to do in order to get enthusiastic consent. Just ‘cause she said she’s into BDSM, for example, doesn’t mean you don’t have to ask before you tie her up for a flogging.
Turn It Into Foreplay
If you and a partner have already established that you’re interested in seeing each other naked, you can make asking for consent into a foreplay game. Murmuring “Can I take your shirt off? Can I kiss you here?” each step of the way prolongs what can often be a too-quick process. Asking questions not only ensures that your partner is into it but also draws it out, making you both want it even more.
And, once again, ask in a sexy way. Asking for the next thing doesn’t mean you have to stop doing the last thing, right?
Rub up on each other, get your sexiest voice going, and ask away!
Even once you’re past the foreplay stage of things, it can still be super hot to turn asking into naughty talk. State what you want and ask if your partner wants it too.
“I want to suck on your nipple. Do you want it too, baby?”
Ask “Do you like it when I ___?” when you want to introduce something new. Throw in some dirty words and it’s hard to imagine that your partner’s “Yes!” won’t be full throated and absolutely enthusiastic.
Pay Attention To Body Language
We’re taught that enthusiastic consent has to be verbal because body language can be hard to interpret. However, there’s no way that body language can be removed from the equation when you’re dealing with sex, because sex is so much about bodies, right?
Always pay attention to what your partner’s body is telling you, in addition to what they’re saying with their words. Women especially are not empowered in our society to ask for what they want, so it may be hard for them to say, “Yup, do this and this and not that.”
Be Positive to Response
Reply positively to requests. You want to encourage people who ask to ask again.