I Don't Regret Masturbating In Public Wearing Crotchless Yoga Pants
These yoga pants might just be worth the money.
For many in their late teens and early 20s, the only thing sexier than a seductive and well-thought-out outfit is an easy-access outfit. I mean, that’s what the entire dance-pants craze was about for every teenage girl roaming the halls of my high school in 2008.
Now the fashion craze is "athleisure wear," which is really just a modern and slightly more attractive take on sweat suits.
You know (like I know) that the proper attire during a makeout session is key — especially if you’re desperately trying to avoid passing first or second base.
So when I heard about a pair of restructured dance pants known as Sriracha Yoga Pants, which are supposed to help create easy access, I couldn't resist doing a review.
They're billed as "a spicy secret” to heat things up while on your date nights or just a casual Netflix 'n Chill night. These pants are made for getting in and out quickly and easily, whether it be a penis, finger, or in my case, travel-size vibrators.
Yes, I tried these pants out to see what they were all about, and because I'm single I got a little creative and tested them by masturbating with my favorite toys: the We-Vibe Tango and my Vesper Vibrator Necklace. Both of these had been strategically chosen, as I knew I wanted to give these pants a test run while out in public to make sure they were in fact as secret and obscure as they claim.
And you know what? They were!
First off, the crotchless part of the pants is very covert. I was able to stretch before my gym workout in these without worrying that I might be giving my trainer a peep show.
Most importantly, the hidden hole isn't so hidden that it takes an attention-drawing-struggle to get to my vagina with the sex toy of choice. I know this for a fact because I tried the pants out while on my red-eye flight to New York City after I had awakened from a short nap.
Yep, I whipped my vibrators out — while keeping a backup in my change purse — and slowly brought myself to an orgasm or two under my jean jacket while an Orthodox Jew read what appeared to possibly be a religious book. (Yes, I probably booked a one-way ticket to hell in addition to my ticket back home.)
I was able to access my clitoris without drawing any attention to myself in a way that might bring other passengers to believe I may be a threat to national security or just a weirdo passenger getting off in her seat.
And I was able to seamlessly get into my pants without stuffing my hand down there like some 16-year-old boy in the back of his pickup.
My biggest fear was the low groan of my vibrators, so I prayed that that wouldn't give it away. But nope, passengers continued to sleep and the flight attendants continued to offer me beverages and safety precautions as the turbulence forced me to hold in my urge to release.
And not only did I sort of join the "mile high club" using these crafty pants, but I also got it on in the backseat of my Uber as we were stuck in New York traffic. I was the easiest hookup I've ever had, and that's in part to the sexy Sriracha yoga pants, whose creators are the real MVPs for thinking of such a genius way to take dance pants to new heights (literally and figuratively, right?).
To be fair, though, there were a couple of cons to these pants.
The material is a little stiff in comparison to that of other dance pants. The slightly starched texture may be the reason my vagina couldn't be seen, though. Yet I still found it to be like breaking in a new mattress, as it took me a couple days to get the material worked out properly.
As far as fit, these pants are on the dangerously close cusp of not being true to size for curvy women, so if you are a bit curvier, perhaps consider a size up (if you're short like me they'll probably drown you height wise, so food for thought).
If you choose to go true to size, know that these are not like other yoga pants that stretch with your food baby. And at $70, I prefer the material to be just a bit more stretchy.
All in all, I have to say I recommend grabbing a pair of these as an easy means to making some of your wildest sex fantasies come true or hell, just getting off midday without having to drop your pants and sit inside the bathroom stall.
Now, you can just get off at your desk or whatever you like to do. These "spicy pants" are all your simplified hookup needs!
(This article previously appeared on yourtango.com and was written by Kiarra Sylvester)