Why People Love Having Sex in Cemeteries
A 49-year-old substitute teacher at a Pennsylvania high school has been arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old student in a cemetery. The incident took place earlier this month at Easton Cemetery, which is actually a pretty sweet spot for some al fresco fucking, given that its park-like environs were designed according to the picturesque romantic styles of the late 19th century.
Police Lieutenant Matthew Gerould of the Easton Police told Broadly that Kelly Aldinger, the teacher involved, was charged with institutional sexual assault yesterday morning. She's currently being held on $50,000 bail. The incident took place on May 6, when police officer Joseph Arredondo spotted the pair having sex around at 1.06 PM in a parked car.
Approaching the vehicle, Arredondo ascertained that the boy involved was a junior at Easton High School. Unconfirmed reports suggest the pair have been in a sexual relationship since the fall, although the police state they do not believe Aldinger had relationships with any other pupils.
Obscenity lawyer Myles Jackman confirms that "people have been doing it since time immemorial, because it's basically a kinky thrill."
Aldinger was employed by Source 4 Teachers, which provides supply teachers to schools across the USA. In a statement to Broadly, spokesperson Owen Murphy said, "The safety of students is always Source4Teachers' top priority. We are cooperating with the Ddstrict and law enforcement to provide any necessary information or assistance they need to perform their investigation and resolve this matter."
Although most of the people who go to cemeteries to fuck don't do so to abuse positions of trust, the duo might be in good company. Cemetery superintendent Jeff Mutchler told local paper The Morning Call that it was a popular spot for other Easton lovers (or, people who just want to fuck.) "Because it's secluded, quiet, we do have people come in here and they're disrespecting the family of the people that are buried here."
Obscenity lawyer Myles Jackman confirms that "people have been doing it since time immemorial, because it's basically a kinky thrill." Unfortunately, he was not able to give me some free legal advice about how to get off if you're caught fucking in a graveyard, because, professional ethics. He did confirm that it was illegal though; so probably best not to get caught.
"It was exciting, actually. It felt like a weird dream because that's where I went everyday, and suddenly—BOOM! —it was transformed."
With a history as well established as glory holes, cemetery sex has a long and illustrious pedigree in American public life. In 2009, Republican South Carolina state attorney Roland Corning was caught with an 18-year-old stripper in Elmwood cemetery. Police found a bag of sex toys in the back of his sports utility vehicle, and—optimistically, or pessimistically, depending on how you look at it—a single Viagra pill. Coincidentally, the incident also took place in the middle of the day, showing there's no time like your lunch break to have illegal public sex with someone half your age.
To find out just what it is about proximity to the dead that fans the flames of erotic desire, Broadly spoke to some former cemetery fuckers. Unsurprisingly, they all preferred to remain anonymous.
Richard*, 26, once sucked off a guy in a North London cemetery when he was 22. "I'd walk by regularly because I lived in the area, and I noticed there was some cruising going on. So one day I lingered intentionally on my way back from the bus, and this older guy was in the bushes. He took me to this patch of overgrown tombstones, and I sucked his dick."
Was it a turn on? "Only because it was a really nice cemetery where tombs are hidden among the leaves and everything. I think if it had all been open-air I would have freaked out. It was exciting, actually. It felt like a weird dream because that's where I went everyday, and suddenly—BOOM! —it was transformed."
"Like, look, this place is full of life. There are trees and people fucking. You're not alone, guys."
Fellow Londoner Liam*, 26, also enjoyed the exhilaration of a taboo open-air thrill. "I was at a party in Mile End, and I decided to go buy some booze with a girl. The flat backed onto a cemetery, and we found ourselves among graves, lurching tree roots, and soiled nappies. Suddenly she pushed me onto the nearest headstone and started biting my lip. We were making out six feet above a corpse. It was strangely exhilarating."
Paul*, 26, fucked someone in a cemetery once, but he wants you to know that it was only for practical reasons and not for a kinky thrill. "I fucked someone in a graveyard because there was nowhere else to go. I used to smoke weed in the graveyard and I used to have sex there too."
I ask whether it felt disrespectful. "It honestly felt no different to say, having sex in a park. When people are dead, they're dead. Graveyards by their very nature are quiet, making them the perfect place to take drugs and have sex. There aren't loads of people around and the ones that are, are dead."
Like ying and yang, graveyards and fucking can be seen as complimentary sides of the same whole, a joyful way to bring the circle of life full term. It's almost poetic, if you stop to think about it. As Richard puts it, "Like, look, this place is full of life. There are trees and people fucking. You're not alone, guys."
* Name has been changed